Just a Little Laugh

Sometimes I am surprised at how many things I remember about things that went on during treatment of my first cancer. I know that I referred to the external beam radiation treatments. There were several of us that had been cutting up and joking around while we were waiting for it to be our turn for our treatment. (Beats crying any day) Like I said it was very clinical after a while and you actually start to look forward to seeing your new found friends at treatment. I remember one little lady that we were all a little uneasy with. She always had a look on her face that wasn't so pleasant. OK, to be honest, she looked like she wanted to hit someone, so when she was around we would get a little quieter so we didn't provoke her.

One morning I went in at my usual time and the 2 people who were always there before me weren't there. I think they had other appointments or something, that doesn't matter, they just weren't there this particular morning. So, I am sitting there waiting for my treatment when this little lady came in. Yes, it was the lady that looked like she was very unhappy and I was afraid she might take the opportunity to take her frustrations out on me. It was very quiet, and suddenly, she looks at me and said she wanted to ask me a question. I very slowly looked around and realized she was talking to me. There was just a second of panic, then a lot of thoughts going through my head, one of which was, today of all days for my other treatment buddies to abandon me. The one day this little woman wants to talk and I don't have anyone there to protect me. (OK, just kidding but we were just a little afraid of her). I finally looked her way and told her she could ask what ever she wanted. Her question to me was, "what's wrong with you?" Those of you that know me, know better than to say something like that because I can't seem to resist it when someone sets me up like that. Something funny has just got to come out of my mouth. My thought at the time was . . . duh lady I got cancer. I mean we were there in the "Cancer Center" getting treatment. So, I told her that, OK, I left of the duh part. Turns out, that wasn't what she meant. What she meant was, she had heard me telling someone that I was glad to be there in the cancer center. Guess she thought I was touched in the head, those of you that know me . . . don't say it, don't even think it!! She just didn't understand the way that I was looking at the whole situation. I know I am a little off center, that is my story and I am sticking to it. OK, back to the subject. She went on to explain that she couldn't understand why any person would want to be receiving treatments for Cancer and there just isn't anything to be happy about in that respect. My reply to her was as follows.

I am not glad I have cancer, I am not happy that I have it either. What I am glad and happy about is that the treatments are available and that they are going to help me. I have been so blessed that we found it in time to help, that we have the wonderful technology to cure these things. I am so thankful to God for the wonderful doctors and nurses and other technicians that can take care of us that need that help. So, in answer to your question, yes, I am very glad to be here. I'm glad that they can help me. I am thankful to God for allowing them to know what to do to help me and people like us who would have no hope were it not for "this place".

She was very quite for a couple of minutes, I didn't know what else to say to her. She looked at me just before I went in for my treatment and thanked me. Then she went on to say that she had never thought about it that way. She went on to tell me that she had resented having to be there even hated being there. She was angry that she had cancer. Then she told me that she would have to think about it some more. Then I went to have my treatment done.

The next morning before I could talk to my 2 friends that had their treatments before me, she came in the office with a smile on her face. You should have seen the faces of the 2 friends, their mouths were hanging open when they saw that smile on her face. They looked at me and asked me if I was there yesterday and I told them yes, then they asked if she had been there too and she answered yes. She began to open up a little and talk with us, mean while the 2 friends are looking at me like, what in the world happened. I just grinned. That next morning before she arrived they were quick to ask me what happened and I told them the story I just told you. It was much funnier there in person but that isn't the reason I told this story.

I tell this story to get a point across. It isn't what you have or what you have to go through, it is all about HOW you go through it. We have more power over our lives than we think we do. I have learned over the last several years that you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be unhappy. I know that sounds way to simple but it is so true. One thing that I decided early on through this experience is not be mad or hate this or that, not to be grumpy or anything else negative. I don't like grumpy people and I certainly don't want to be one. Really, think about it, how many of you like being around people who are always unhappy or grumpy or worse. It's just not a pleasant experience for either person. It takes some time and practice, but you can over come it if you set your mind to it. I won't lie to you and tell you it is easy because it isn't. I am also not telling you that I didn't have down times, I just didn't allow myself to stay there in the dumps for very long. That was my choice and my decision and that is how I choose to keep it and with God's help and help from my friends and family, I can do this and you can too.

I begin each day by asking God what He has in store for me. I pray for strength and I pray and look for opportunities to laugh. Just depends on how you choose to look at to look at things. Goes back to that old, old story . . . the glass is half full or the glass is half empty. For me it will be half full. I made an effort to do things that I could that would help my mood, listen to music that I really like, working on crafts (which I love to do). Reading a good book is always a good choice too. Even if it is for only 15 minutes, do something that makes you happy (unless it is really bad for your health).

Remembering Firsts

Remembering the first "external beam" radiation treatment. You have to go in and have a work up so to speak. This is where they plan your treatment, where the exact points are that will be radiated and how many of those treatments you will need. I was impressed that I had my very own physicist to figure all that out for little ole me. The doctors and nurses had explained everything in detail so there were no surprises. OK almost no surprises. I am 52 years old and when I grew up you just didn't get tattoos. It was just not accepted in our generation very well. Now you are thinking, she has lost her mind and is rambling on to other stuff. Just give me a moment and I'll pull it all together, honest. OK, so we were at not good to get tattoos in my generation. To my surprise, part of the treatment required tattoos. Now I always swore I would never ever have a tattoo. Never liked them, never wanted them, it just isn't me. I had to laugh because in order to get the treatments I would have to have the tattoos so that they would be sure to line the beams up to the exact same place every time I had a treatment. When they told me this, I am kind of laughing to myself and thinking . . . hmmmm, God has a sense of humor. It probably wasn't the first time I had ever had that thought, but it seemed appropriate at the time. So the nurses and technicians do all their calculations and brand me with my tattoos. I am guessing that you may be wondering what kind of tattoos, well don't get too excited, they look kind of like a very small mole. No big deal there.

Going to radiation treatment every morning soon became very routine. Everyone has their own time slot to be there so you generally see the same people each day unless someone is finished with treatment or someone new comes in. You get to know those that go before you and after you pretty well. It's all very clinical as far as the treatments go now a days. I am so thankful that the radiation wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. The technicians at the facility I had treatment at were wonderful, so kind an concerned. Not the fake kind of concern, the concern where you know when they say "how are you" they actually want to know how you are and hear the standard, Fine that so many hope to hear when they ask that question. Now onto the next area of treatment . . . the dreaded chemo.

The first chemotherapy treatment was the same week that I first started the radiation treatments. I was have a treatment one day a week for 6 weeks. Now I had seen that the radiation wasn't quite so terrible but I knew the chemo would not be so kind. I had seen a friend go through breast cancer and her chemo treatments nearly did her in. I don't say that lightly, she was extremely ill. I did an awful lot of praying for her and her family, I also had my church praying for her too. OK, back to the subject at hand. I had heard all kinds of horror stories about chemo, no doubt you too have heard some stories of your own about chemo. You just never know how it is going to affect you until you go through it. I remember sitting there, waiting to be hooked up to this poison that would enter my body and would hopefully help me be rid of the invader in my body. I prayed, and prayed and then I prayed. The nurse finally came and put the IV into my port that had been put into my chest the week before. I remember feeling the liquid as it entered my body, it was cold. I have a lot of "personal Summers" I like to call them, you might know them as hot flashes. For me to be cold was unusual, it is still unusual. I also remember looking at the other people there receiving their treatments. Some you couldn't tell they had anything wrong with them. Some, you could tell they had been doing this a while just by looking at their coloring or their lack of hair or even the dark circles under their eyes. There was one fellow that I saw, you could tell he had been a really big man at one time. You could also tell that he had lost an awful lot of weight suddenly. There were burns on the side of his face and neck, from the radiation no doubt. He had been so sick that he was in just to receive liquids because he was so dehydrated from being so sick with the chemo. I watched as the nurses tried time and again to find a vein that wouldn't collapse on them when they went to hook up the IV of saline solution. I suddenly forgot about myself, saw that others had it much worse than I did and began to pray for that dear man. As if he hadn't been through enough now he was a pin cushion. After a few tricks that those wonderful nurses know, and 5 previous tries they finally go a vein that would support the IV. I remember being so relieved and very thankful. I don't know the fellows name, don't need to know it. I did what I needed to do which was quit worrying about myself and pray for others that I come in contact with as they go through this journey with me. I will tell you that at this point, I am learning how to depend on God a lot more and trust that He knows what is best for me. I know He has a plan, I know I am in that plan. My job is to see what I should do and learn from these experiences. Everything in life is a learning experience, what we take from it and get out of it is up to us. I will write more in a few days. Thanks for taking time to read some of my story.

The Diagnosis

About 7 years ago, I went for a routine physical and over the next couple of weeks was on the roller coaster ride of my life. I was diagnosed with Cervical cancer. Just a cancer that happened to show up there. After a biopsy confirmed our worst fears I was referred to UVA Medical Center for treatment.

I thought I would have a hysterectomy and would be done with it all. That wouldn't be so bad now would it. Unfortunately, that isn't how it happened. I spent much time in prayer. I want to go to Heaven but wanted to see my children grown before I go. I don't think I reacted to the news in a normal way, then again, when you are dealing with cancer, what is normal? My doctors at UVA decided that I would need radiation and chemotherapy. This was unnerving as I had already decided that I would have the hysterectomy and that would be all there was to it. I was able to receive the treatments closer to home and I was thankful for that. As I left UVA after talking to the doctors the first time, I was walking down the hall in tears. My doctor followed me down that hall way, stopped me and gave me a much needed hug. He then told me that the thing I needed to remember most of all is that they could help me. He was exactly right, they could and they did.

I never wondered why me. I remember thinking, why not me. To be honest, I was thankful it was me and not one of my children, it was me and not my husband, that it was me and not my parents. I know it sounds corny, but that was just how I looked at it.

God gave me a peace and a calm during this time. I was on a journey that I didn't really want to be on. The peace that fell over me is kind of hard to explain. The thing that stands out most to me now is how I tried using humor to make others be OK with it. When you know someone has cancer the first time you see or talk to someone after their diagnosis is really hard.  I've been on both sides of the fence on this one and although it is hard being the "sick" person, it is also hard for those that are close to the "sick" one. They are at a loss of words. We live in a society where things get fixed and they get fixed fast. This isn't something that can be fixed so quickly. As the "well" person, you  are just at a loss for words, you want to say the right thing, but are afraid you will say the wrong thing. Having been on both sides, I can honestly tell you that just a simple "I'm praying for you" does wonders. Then take action on that and actually do the praying. Just a hug or a simple "I love you" or "so sorry to hear your news". Those are things that help. It's never a good idea to try and act like there is nothing there when we all know that there is an elephant in the room (so to speak).

I remember there were a few people that actually tried to avoid me after my diagnosis. It made me feel really bad that they didn't want to talk to me. It wasn't that they didn't want to talk to me, it was more that they had no idea what to say. Most of all, they didn't want to say the wrong thing, so they said nothing. As the cancer patient, I wondered if they thought cancer was contagious. It took me a while to realize what the problem was. Now that I know what it was, its just easier to make the first move and then we could resume our friendship.

I have always tried to find humor in things, in everyday life. Cancer opens a whole new door on that one. Some of the things that aren't funny when you are going through them become funny as you look at them a little later on. I will share some of these little stories as I continue this blog. For now, I will stop here by leaving you with some advice. Don't ignore it, it isn't going to go away on it's own (unless God intervenes). So, lets get through the yucky stuff so we can get on to having fun and enjoying life again!

Today is my first attempt at a Blog.

Life always has its ups and downs. It's just how things are. The best thing we can do is get through the rough patches as fast and as best we can and savor and enjoy those times when things are good. Everyone has problems of some sort. We just don't see them, we only see the parts of others that they allow us to see.

The purpose for this blog is to share my experiences with others in an effort to help them go through similar trials and health issues. It is my hope and my prayer that by reading some of these thoughts and experiences, it will help others go through these times a little easier. I am all about doing things as easy as possible. Not that cancer is an easy experience, because it certainly is not. Then again, neither is a major operation or a heart attack or stroke. The truth of the matter is, none of these things are pleasant. We don't choose to be sick, but we have a lot more choices than we might think. 

I hope that in reading some of my experiences that you will be able to see that you do have more choices than you think. You just have to decide to work on it and be vigilant.